Slut

Too many bodies faces kisses touches embraces,
fucks
wish I could erase myself and re-write my body back into its own safety,
sacred
Look around wondering why I focus so much on how I think I feel
being
being is so difficult when you can escape yourself in sex

Not a slut but serial monogamist I deign myself no better
no worse
than anyone else or any thing else I a make a
wish
on lips and a broad chest that my head may finally feel at
rest
and I do.

Briefly,
wake up again and the mirror still hurts the light still too bright the contours too soft

Have I externalized the ugliness I feel inside with this dance
Or have I used this dance as an explanation for how I've always felt within me
Dirty
Slut
Broken

Whisper myself promises not to keep doing this
Waking up in another foreign bed soon after
Suddenly I am his girlfriend
once again a girl in relation
once again a girl in the context to judge myself against

alone and not so lonely, just scared and anxious
surrounded and so lonely, don't understand myself

Not sad, not destroying myself anymore
just so comfortable with certain
discomfort
so terrified of another kind
can't decide,
anymore
who I am
will be
what is right
just want to scream and tear myself apart
but I don't, because I need to have
a little more faith in
me.