Hello there. Nice to meet you.

To the Girl I think I’m supposed to Be…

Should plus A equals…

A slang term for the conjunction of should

plus the past tense have, that,

when combined with ‘woulda’ and ‘coulda’

reminds you,

‘but you didn’t…’

To the girl I think I am supposed to be—nice to meet you.

I am endlessly envious of your self-assurance and grace, your self-acceptance in the face of all your flaws, and your hair looks so fucking healthy!

To the girl I think I’m supposed to be… I always think of you when I regret who I am.

You would not pity yourself as I do.

I often attempt to use this as motivation to remove myself from indulgent self-hatred, but this often backfires and perpetuates an even more vicious cycle.

Loss only has value of there is also something to be gained.

I feel in a constant state of mourning for the loss of you because I believe becoming you is something I must gain.

Maybe if I didn’t know you

I wouldn’t have to be reminded of my lack of being you

—but you?!

You have found a way to simply be you, irrelevant are loss and could and shoulds—

I envy you your erasure of hierarchy within the soul.

To the girl I’m supposed to be because

I’m supposed to be you eventually you can deduce from the chronology of my not being you to my becoming of you that I’ve acted out of fear.

A lot.

You respond, instead of react, with wisdom—how are you so fucking calm?

You can write poetry that takes breaths away

I am still frantically trying to catch my own between choking on cigarette smoke

and

lungs constricted by self-doubt.

To the Girl I think I am supposed to be…

You are teaching me

there is nothing wrong

with being yourself—

you’ve come into acceptance of such

your demeanor is as graceful as

as my listicles obsession preoccupation with ‘things you need to read if you’re a struggling 20-something’ is desperate.

You take in love and give it, willingly and whole-heartedly,

because you have enough within yourself to feel safe in someone else.

Body size and shape don’t contour who you are.

You’ve let go of obsessions.

You have in no way completely eliminated these negative thoughts

Yet you have gained freedom from them—

Can we just skip over how you got there so I can join you in this one?

Girl I Believe I am supposed to be

you are teaching me

Happiness is

what you’ve made it,

make of yourself,

happiness is when YOU

have made YOU

into a sacred home within your soul—

you promise one day I (we?)

will become secure enough

to let in those who deserve it.

Girl I believe I am supposed to be,

you promise me that pain is still part of our experience.

But you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, and allow catharsis to heal it.

I am still terrified pain is the only poetic thing about my existence and thus seek it out as a means of self-created artistry, however frivolous and insincere and inconsiderate this logic is, it still dominates my psyche.

You promise me,

‘The future is promised to no one’ and you have

released idealized tomorrows

for the sake of not blindly living through todays.

You’ve chosen to live in each moment genuinely,

trusting THAT will create the tomorrow you need,

THAT will give you yesterdays worth remembering.

Girl I am supposed to be—

You value try to teach me that

passion, reciprocity, creativity, being mundane and average, bored and frantic, profound, angry, overly simplistic, Netflix benders or kicking some serious academic ass are not mutually exclusive.

I still call bullshit.

You try to tell me

being proud of yourself is not the same as an ego trip and being strong does not rule out moments of weakness and emptiness WILL FILL ITSELF UP when you give it the time and honor is deserves.

You tell me time is precious

but never wasted if you simply allow yourself to inhabit it.

To the girl I believe/ think I am supposed to be, hope to become, wish I already was, regret not being, might possibly kinda be capable of becoming…

Nice to maybe

Finally meet

Us.